I have sired 14 kids; all named Earl to make it easier, which means I have to work part time as a head chef in a top London restaurant (McDonald's).
I play football at the weekends for Bolton Wanderers FC (although I support Chelsea) and have represented my country at the 2006 World Cup. Manchester City is currently interested in buying me.
I have also starred in 23 major Hollywood blockbusters alongside the likes of DeNiro, Pitt, Hoffman, Nicholson and Cruise. I have twice won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. The first of which was for Witches of Eastwick where my screen time was only 3 seconds long.
I am also very good friends with Bono and Bob Geldof and do a lot of charity work. I personally have raised over £56 Billion.
I was also the first Brit to fly solo to the moon and back in my dinner hour and cross the Atlantic using only a rubber ring and a thermos flask!
However I am most known for my invention of oxygen which I was awarded a Noble Prize for and a Knighthood.
I am also a renowned liar..."