Thursday, 13 June 2013

Food Glorious Food?

Someone said to me recently that they had good news and bad news…

The good news?
Well that the new Häagen Dazs advert featured Bradley Cooper! Phwoar right? He doesn’t float my boat, but the person that told me this was female AND she only eats light coloured foods. In fact she is a self confessed beigatarian!

The bad news?
Well the bad news was that he kept his clothes on apparently! Sexist! We, men, are not pieces of meat for you women to drool over! The thought that women undress me with their eyes is disgusting… Actually in my case it is more dressing me with their eyes. I do like to strip off, especially when drunk!! In fact, I think it must be in the genes as my brother is exactly the same! I blame the parents.

Anyway, the advert got me thinking about how advertisers promote food as sexy! Let’s be honest, ice cream can be sexy, I guess. A bit of raspberry ripple spread on the body, topped off with a flake and hundreds and thousands, must be sexy right??

The thing is, I’ve seen people eating ice cream, I’ve eaten it myself, and I tell you now there ain’t anything sexy about it. You end up with it down your chin like an ice cream goatee beard, dripped down the front of your clothes and all over your fingers. In fact the sight of someone trying to catch the ice cream that is running down the cone, lashing at it with their out stretched tongue like a dog licking it’s own nuts really doesn’t do anything for me at all. Although I’m sure there’s a market out there for it!

Food is a funny thing though. As stated in a previous post, you get those food snob types, no doubt that eat Häagen Dazs – in comparison, I am Mr Whippy and proud!

Kebabs, I find, is the food that divides most people. Those that screw their face up and state that all sorts are put in kebabs (see also hot dogs!) and those people like me who have it as a staple part of their diet, always after a few beers of course – I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a kebab when sober. However, the next morning I have a mouth like the inside of Ghandi’s flip flop and no matter how much I brush my teeth the god awful taste lingers for the next few hours. At that point I wish I was a dog as I swear my nuts would taste better.

The kebab is the taste equivalent of an optical illusion. It looks tempting when pissed, tastes like a Michelin starred main course and, with added salad, you convince yourself that it’s good for you and one of your five a day. However, the next morning you realise that your tiny, drink fuelled mind was playing tricks on you all along and what you ate the previous night now has more ‘taste’ than it did when you first consumed it!

There should be a cooking show for the pissed provided by the government or something. A kind of… . ‘how to cook beans without burning down the house; gourmet meals for the drunk programme. It should feature warnings about not picking up the phone and ordering a load of fried crap for the sake of it, which you then wake up to the next morning when the last thing you want to face is leftover kebab meat and dry chicken pakoras scattered around the kitchen top, and bits of dried chilli sauce hanging from the work top like stalagmites… or stalactites, whichever one hangs down!

Obviously one of your five a day can include fruit. Now I don’t mind fruit, it can be quite refreshing, but I don’t think many people rate fruit – it’s usually just women in my experience. I mean fruit isn’t big business surely? Otherwise why put it out front, unguarded, at greengrocers? It isn’t locked away like the beer and cigs and monitored by CCTV is it? No one does a ram raid for fruit supplies! You don’t hear on the news that an armed gang raided Fred the Grocers early Saturday morning and stole in excess of 1 million pounds worth of apples and pears! Therefore, in my reckoning, it means it’s worthless. If it ain’t worth nicking then it ain’t worth owt!

Usual readers will know how I feel already about certain food types like houmous, lentils and couscous. These food types didn’t exist when I was younger or if they did only hippies and gypsies knew about it, which can only mean it’s bad for you surely?

This is my blog and my logic, ok?!?!

I do like the fact that Subway use athletes now to advertise their butties! I’m not sure how healthy these sarnies are, but again they do taste good, especially as you get to pick and choose what you want, so you can’t go wrong can you? I always have Southwest sauce on mine. I have no idea what this sauce is mind; you don’t find it in the supermarket next to salad cream that’s for sure. I have no idea why I originally chose that sauce. I mean where in the South West does it come from??

However my favourite bit of Subway is the turkey… in small print next to the word ‘turkey’ is the word ‘reformed’. As I stand in the queue waiting to be served by some acne ridden, dirty teenager ("please can you put your gloves on… please… now!") I often imagine this turkey growing up, making the wrong decisions in life, going down the wrong path, getting in with the wrong crowd (those damned dirty mallards!) and turning to a life of crime.

Maybe the turkey once held up a greengrocers for a punnet of strawberries, killing Fred in the process, and was on the run from the police for weeks, finally cornered at Heathrow trying to board a plane to the Costa Del Sol where he was planning on living a care free life, opening a night club and ending his days living the dream, throwing drink fuelled orgies with various women and celebrities… Instead the turkey would suddenly find himself in the pen, in Norfolk, spending his time on D wing – otherwise known as the Bernard Matthews wing – when suddenly he has an epiphany from above. The turkey turns to god and begins bible studies, learning the rights from the wrongs, asking for forgiveness and preaching to others God’s word before finally embarking on his final journey down death row… He lived a life of crime but on his deathbed was finally forgiven… The turkey had reformed and would now become part of a Subway club instead of a turkey drumstick covered in bread crumbs…

By the time I have finished this thought I am holding up the queue and all I can hear is "Onions sir? Onions? Cucumber? Sir??"

However, as I pay ("No, I don’t want an oversized cookie as part of a meal deal!"), I am still thinking about that turkey. I think the reason he was caught is that he didn’t wear a disguise… Maybe he should have worn his shell-suit???

I can hear the collective groan…

Look, I’ve told you, my blog, my logic, my crap humour… deal with it!

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