Monday, 12 August 2013

Offended? Well you can go fu** yourself!

Right, before I go any further I better just bring up the elephant in the room. The last blog about relationships was a hit for me and one of my most read posts. However, it certainly divided opinion. Some thought it was a brilliant, brash, tongue in cheek piece, whilst others thought it was an act of desperation and some even thought it pathetic enough to tell me so.
If when reading that last blog any of it sounded like I was talking about you, then all I can say is I probably was, you’re right, but tough shit! However, like all my blogs, you should remember I try having a laugh at things in life. I take the little bare element of truth, twist it, shake it, kick it around, add plenty of embellishment and enough self deprecating humour to make it the furthest thing from serious.
And I will continue to do this with all blog posts I put on. So if any posts you read have a nod in your direction then it means you have either made me laugh or you’ve been a twat. Deal with it, brush yourself off and move on…
So, how can I follow the last post? As it got such a reaction it will be hard to top. I do have one in the locker about my sexploitations, but it maybe too soon for that one I reckon, but trust me it will be worth waiting for. The situations I have got myself into!!
I could do a work one maybe? But then again plenty of people from work end up reading this and it isn’t the right time to be hunted down by a lynch mob, although I guess it doesn’t have to be that offensive… does it?
I could introduce you all to the 3rd member of the three amigos. Obviously I have introduced you to Jew Boy – who I will make famous one day – but I've only mentioned Phillipe in passing. Someone who has been my best bud for 29 years and only because I’m far too lazy to go out and find new friends.
The theme here is clearly my mouth though. I have been told that I have no filter, which is evident in this blog. Something pops into my head and I don’t think of the consequences, I just roll with it. Some may see that as refreshingly blunt, a change from our very over PC world. Some amongst us just get offended.
What these people need to realise though, is that it is a joke… body parts will not fall off if they are offended. You do not suddenly contract leprosy. If you don’t like something I say, don’t listen. Same goes for TV or films. If you are likely to be offended don’t go see it, don’t watch it.
Why do people who are easily offended watch certain things? It’s all a bit car crash effect to me…
I went to a stand up gig once, Tom Stade in case you wanted to know (you must go see him!) and someone got up and walked out. They obviously didn’t know enough about him to know that he swears and can say offending things. However, the person that walked out missed the point of the joke. He was being ironic to make his point, but the person was just too thick to realise.
Speaking of swearing, I have to be honest, the inner child in me likes to swear, still finds it funny and I like to see what I can get away with.
Back to my mouth though, it can be quite vicious and I very rarely engage brain before tongue. It is only afterwards that I realise what I’ve said and how it may be misconstrued. In temper especially I say stuff to get a reaction. It’s like poking a hornet’s nest… all seems fun until you get stung.
And I have been stung a few times…
Once, whilst playing football, the opposition had a man mountain of a bloke on their team who decided it was fun to smash our smallest guy. Well I don’t like that and took it upon myself to gain retribution. I lined him up perfectly and flew in completely missing the ball, but hitting the target (him!) and he went down!
The problem, for me, was that he got back up and made a bee line straight for me! He was effing and jeffing, telling me he would crush my bones to make his bread (or is that a children’s story?). I promptly turned my back and figured if he was going to lamp me let him do it cowardly and in the back of my head. He saw this and calmed down a little, said something along the lines of "Yeah, that’s right pussy, jog on to your Mum…" My brain said "thank fuck for that as he would have killed you…" but my mouth said "You silly fat stupid cu**!"
I was drinking through a straw for the next few days…
I'm also not very PC. I can’t stand all that modern crap, worrying whether you are going to offend someone or not. People are brainwashed into thinking that they should be offended if someone says a certain thing. It also depends on who is saying it too!
A black man, for instance, can call a fellow black man the ‘N’ word. Not a word I would use, but equally when my black friends say it I don’t bat an eye lid. However, if I was to call any of my black friends that in the same way, friendly mates banter, they tell me it isn’t the done thing. So they are ok using it, but I’m not, and I question this. I get told it’s because they’re black so its fine, I’m white so it’s not, even though we are all mates!
This is why I call my white mates arseholes, because I am an arsehole and so are they. However, if a non arsehole calls me an arsehole, they better watch their back!! Not that I am a violent person. That was just for the joke purpose of the conversation.
People from Pakistan, when called a shortened version of their country name, get upset and offended, does that mean if someone calls me a Brit I should be upset now? And before you start I know the first term is usually used in a derogatory way, but if you don’t let it offend you then it wouldn’t be used negatively.
People around me know of my lack of self editing though and they accept it. I like to think of it as some form of Tourette’s. I see it in my head and it comes out of my mouth before I can process and filter it.
There is a lass on my team – she’ll know who she is by the description – who is Indian. And yet I call her a Jew, for the laugh, and it’s stuck and she even joins in and we have built this whole faith up for her so much that people question if she is or isn’t actually Jewish.
I don’t follow a faith and am not racist; I’m merely just having a bit of banter. Some won’t find it funny, some won’t see the point, but in my little space it works and is accepted.
So I wonder why everyone can’t be like that. I have religious mates, female mates, ethnic minority (another PC term!) mates and gay mates and because they are mates I can get away with saying certain things. I once said to a gay mate that I have nothing against gay men, but they are all fucking arseholes. I thought it was a good line, he thought it was funny also. No one was offended and no one died…
If someone calls me a thick Northern monkey then I am fine with that. If someone calls me white trash then touché. If they call me a son of a bitch I occasionally agree and wonder if they have met me Mam. They are just words. Words that normally just make me laugh or deserve a clever retort. I guess I try to push the boundaries because I have no card to play and so I have nothing to be offended about…
I am not black or Asian… so can’t play the racist card.
I am not a woman… so can’t play the sexist card.
I am not religious… so can’t play the God card.
I am not gay… so can’t play the homophobe card.
I am not old… so can’t play the ageist card.
I am not even ginger… so can’t play the copper top card!
I am a 32 year old straight white man.
So yes, it might be different if I had a card to play but why get offended, angry or upset at words? Decades ago I guess things were different, new, so people spoke about the different in a derogatory way, singled them out, but nowadays the entire above are as common as each other. We should all break free of the political correctness bollocks that has driven the world mental.
Can I say mental nowadays?
If someone said to me that I am no longer to be accepting the term ‘white man’ I would tell them to piss off. If they told me the correct term from now on to describe white folk is Spanish Pink (this is an actual shade of pink apparently!) or Rosa I would tell them to stick it up their arse…
I mean I still get confused when I have to tick Cocky Asian on any forms that come my way!
The thing is, and this is what you have got to remember, is that you should take anything I write, say or do with a massive pinch of salt (use a shovel in fact!) and just try see the funny side of it. If you have read 24 out of the 25 blog posts here and laughed or smiled at them all but then got offended at post number 25 then just stop, shake your head, and move on. Don’t read any further posts if that’s the case, but just know that it isn’t meant to offend. I am not that type of bloke.
I don’t discriminate!
Doesn’t matter if you are black, white, gay, straight, male, female or from Mars, if you’re a twat then you’re a twat. And I will take the piss regardless.

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