Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Socially Dysfunctional

With social media being a big thing and CCTV on every corner, your whole life is under the microscope. You are constantly under the glare which means everyone, in some form or other, has their 15 minutes of fame. That might be something as innocuous as starting a trend on Twitter, but you’re out there, in the cosmos, that imaginary cloud in the sky that is carrying data from one country to the next.

And with this ‘life surveillance’ come the prima donnas, the attention seekers, those that want you to either feel for them or envy them. Suddenly the world is not so big and a billion voices are clambering to be heard. I mean even Darth Vader is taking ‘selfies’ now in a galaxy far, far away.

I’m no different with my blog and my Facebook statuses, trying to get a rise out of the masses. The difference is I do not look for that attention on purpose. I just put things up to make people laugh if they stumble across it.

Who am I kidding?!?! I am one attention seeking mother fucker…

Those that use social media purely to garner attention, they really grate.

Facebook statuses that say “Am at the doctor’s again…” or “Yet another visit to the hospital…” and then for the next hour continuously update everyone about their surroundings, are merely after one thing - sympathy! The attention that comes with the replies like “Thinking about you chick…” or “I hope everything is ok…” feeding the ego that they are popular, thought about, cared for by people they probably haven’t seen for 5 years!

Before social media, doctor’s appointments for your genital warts or hospital visits for your prolapsed womb were kept private, something for the local fishwives to gossip about. Not anymore! Everyone airs their laundry on the world wide interweb!! 

I personally do not care enough about the person who I haven’t seen since school, telling the whole world about their illness, their cough and their “up all night with a headache” issues. Take a paracetamol and shut the fuck up… You are that close to death’s door apparently, but still have time to turn on the computer or go on your phone and let the world know you are on your death bed.

If you’re that close to death and feel that crap, don’t waste time on Facebook, spend it with family, tick off your bucket list or write your will…

Can you imagine wills in ten years time? All the acronyms and text talk?

‘I am ded LOL, YOLO, u hav bn left mi hse n car, cba wrtin more, TTFN’

Then there are those that want you to envy them, want to show off. Now I have to be honest I have done this on occasion and I know people are proud of their kids, but some go too far…

“How clever is Geoff, my 2 month old son, who has just passed his GCSE’s and got all A*s”

Really it should read: “I amounted to fuck all at school and god knows where my kid got his brains from, but he is clearly far cleverer than your child and I want you all to know that”.

At least in reality when your child grows up and fails miserably and can’t get a job this status will act as a historical reminder to all that Geoffrey crashed and burned just like you did… The apple never falls far from the tree does it???

The child thing I guess I understand to a certain extent, but the whole world doesn’t need to know, surely? As I have said before, if I was interested in your kids and had any time for them, I would visit, stay in touch, at least send a birthday card every year… but I don’t, so I don’t care, I’m not interested and neither are 99% of your Facebook friends.

Then there are the “look how fit I am, envy me” people. The ones that change their profile picture every other day. Or show their new hair colour or latest nail design.

“Oh look at me and how beautiful I am…” Knowing that the replies will come thick and fast from people telling them “how gawjus” they are and that they are a “right fitty”.

Their statuses are usually about how they got chatted up or messaged by some guy or gal who is clearly beneath them. However, they still want you to know. They want you to know they get attention and want more attention as a result.

In reality they have little or no self confidence or are single because they are superficial. It really does make my teeth hurt.

However the worst type of “envy me” attention seekers are those that put pictures of their flash TV, latest gadget they’ve spent a fortune on or their flash new car – the type that is clearly saying -  much like that famous Harry Enfield character – “I am considerably richer than yow!!!”

Well I am glad you have told me about your 150 inch plasma 3D TV that is loaded onto your gold BMW that sucks you off as you hit 32mph and I am even more glad you have conveniently tagged yourself at your 54 bedroomed mansion because when you tag yourself in The Seychelles I am going to fucking rob you!!

Oh, for legal reasons I just want to point out that burglary is a crime; it is not condoned, so be careful and don’t get caught…

The whole social media thing has opened up the world, which on some levels is a good thing, but on other levels it’s bad…

I mean do I want to see a picture of an Asian man getting a BJ from a hooker in an alleyway? Do I want to watch this week’s street fight between two guys arguing over some skanky woman? Funny videos used to be the staple diet of Sunday afternoon television on You’ve Been Framed… Now they are common place, each one as tedious as the next and getting worse and worse in the taste stakes.

As I said, in a world now so watched by cameras and video phones, there are no secrets.

Facebook was a place for a catch up, to share pictures with friends and families, but now it is a nuisance to some degree.

The one thing I get annoyed about is the charity companies that post plastic bags through your door and ask you to fill it with clothes. I get about 2 a day now… I do not have enough clothes to last me, let alone dress the 3rd world too. And I know they are doing it for a good cause before you start, but surely they could save money by not posting several hundred branded plastic bags through my door each month! A roll of bin liners, the cheap ones are only a pound – they could save loads!

Well the Facebook example of this is the ‘Like’ if you want to cure… ads. These are the electronic equivalent of those bin liners, being pushed through my letter box and into the electronic world we now all seem to be living in.

Doctors for years have been working on cures for cancer, spending millions and millions of pounds trying to eradicate this terrible disease. Who knew that all they had to do was ‘Like’ it on Facebook and all our prayers would be answered!!!

I find it ironic that we use the term social media when the likes of Facebook and Twitter have cut dead face to face conversation. Being social now seems so removed from everyday life…

Anyway, rant over, for now. Although I am sure it will be revisited. I best post this and share it around the world for everyone to see how clever or how small minded I am; you decide…

Be sure to add me as a friend on Facebook and follow me on Twitter though please…. Hehe!

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