Thursday, 10 April 2014

I put the 'I' in narcissist... Twice!!!

The blog has been put on hold for a few months. Not for any specific reason, but I just haven’t had the inclination, the ideas or the interesting topic.

Since the last post, back in January, I tried quitting cigarettes. But seeing as I am no quitter (well, I just couldn’t hack it ok!), I decided to just cut down instead. So I have become one of those awful people who smoke socially and tap cigarettes off others when and if the moment arises.
And people give up their cigarettes for me because they enjoy my company… surely.
I have this front about me, this side of me that is cock-sure and confident. People who do not know me see this extrovert side to me, they see this arrogance, this confidence, this showmanship and think either ‘check him out’ or ‘what a complete nob’. 
The fact of it is that those who do know me know that it is just bravado, it is part of the act and really I am sensitive soul who is looking for appreciation, endearment and adulation.

For this reason I do like to be the joker of the pack, I do like to make people laugh – not that everyone finds me funny mind – and I do like to act a certain way.
And as a result I get labelled. And this week I was called a narcissist!!
I was in a pub. Having a drink! Having a few drinks in fact whilst telling a story to a mate and I was called a narcissist as a result of the embellished, cocky story I was imparting on my captive audience (of one).
The definition of the word is…


1. a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.

2. Psychoanalysis a person who suffers from narcissism, deriving erotic gratification from admiration of his or her own physical or mental attributes.

Some of you that know me will think spot on! But I think you are wrong… or maybe you’re right too!

And besides, who doesn’t derive erotic gratification?!?! Single guy people, single guy!

When I read into this more and found a breakdown of character traits, it struck me that I am indeed a narcissist, BUT so are countless other people, in fact so are all people! OR everyone has a bit of narcissism in them… and if they don’t would you like some???

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
(a) Just one -- but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.
(b) None at all -- he hires menials for work that's beneath him.

What I did find interesting about that joke is the fact the person in question is male and it turns out that there are more male narcissists than women. I am not entirely sure why this is as I have met some very self obsessed, vain, selfish women in my time that have these traits more so than any bloke I’ve met.
So the traits of a narcissist are as follows – which I will score in a football style:

1. Believing that you're better than others

What is wrong with believing in your own capabilities? So yes, I have this trait. Some people are total idiots. I could write a book on the antics of some people and their stupid opinions, just not today. But I also have the opposite and often think I am not good enough! So I shall dismiss this one. One nil to me!

2. Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
I never really fantasize about anything other than shagging Kate Beckinsale to be honest, BUT in that fantasy she finds me the hottest guy on the planet and wants to involve Liz Hurley too. So I am successful and in control too… Oh, and Mila Kunis has now heard about me and wants to join!! Damn, an early equaliser there!!

3. Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Now I do embellish and I do exaggerate and I add to stories to make them funnier or more interesting, but doesn’t everyone? Generally I am terrible about ‘bigging’ myself up, especially when it comes to appraisal time at work, so I reckon this one is null and void because everyone has to exaggerate sometimes, even if in jest. There’s a joke about inches here too… So score is still tied at 1-1.

4. Expecting constant praise and admiration
Now I reckon the important word here is ‘expecting’. I never expect praise or admiration as I do not get it that often. However, I like to be praised and admired of course. All season I can think I have played football brilliantly, but every week I have the piss taken out of me, but then at the end of the season I am rewarded with Player of the Season, which means I was praised and admired after all. So I never expect it, but when it comes along I really milk it. So due to the wording, that’s 2-1 to me!

5. Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
I act like I am special, I have that bravado I mentioned earlier. I am a shocking flirt and act like the women are lucky I am entertaining them, but secretly I don’t believe that. In fact I am quite insecure about many things. So just for that insecurity alone it makes it 3-1 to me.

6. Failing to recognise other people's emotions and feelings
And without even going into this I am giving myself a 4th point. I have a very caring side and can appreciate when someone needs something, a shoulder to cry on, cheering up or just someone to listen. Some of my closest friends come to me for advice. They don’t take that advice, they do the opposite, but I still recognise how they are feeling and adapt to that. 4-1 bitches!

7. Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
I want to do what I want to do and so if I make plans or arrange then I expect them to come to fruition. I am a moody bastard if I have something planned and it doesn’t work out. Yeah, I am admitting a fault here for sure… 4-2 then, fine!

8. Taking advantage of others
I wouldn’t say I ever take advantage, in fact I would say I am often taken advantage of due to me being a nice guy. I often do favours or go above and beyond. Actually I think I know one person who would disagree with this, but their opinion doesn’t count, they should toughen up, bloody loser… So taking their pathetic reasoning out, which we shall never ask for as it’s worthless, I would say that’s 5-2 to me...

9. Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Fuck!! 5-3….

10. Being jealous of others
The one trait that I do think I have above all others is this and boy do I wish I could drill it out of me. This especially comes into play with women who have very close male friends. It is something I cannot compute with me and do not understand all that well. IF a bloke is hanging round with a woman it’s surely because either something happened in the past or they want something to happen in the future. I admit defeat on this one. 5-4.

11. Trouble keeping healthy relationships
This one made me laugh… its those bloody women with close male friends that’s the issue, not me!! Ok, ok, ok… seeing as I am single then there’s the late equaliser with time running out…

12. Being easily hurt and rejected
Nah, no one hurts me, hard as nails me. I have a thick layer of skin that is impenetrable. I had my tear ducts taken out as crying is a sign of weakness. I have a heart of stone, a swinging brick and things slide off me like water off a ducks back. I am like the terminator, emotionless, uncaring, cold and calculated. No woman has ever rejected me… cough, couch, splutter!! So fuck you all, I don’t care, I make that 6-5 to me!

13. Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Oh man, this is playing tricks with me… I can’t breathe, am welling up! Maybe I am a narcissistic man! We’ll call it a draw and leave it there. I need some time alone…

So the final result seems to be a draw, which probably indicates I am not a narcissist as my friend suggested, but more that I have some narcissistic tendencies. Or some personal issues… Or I am just not the person I thought I was... Really I am a complete liar!! 
But I dare you to go through this list and not pick out any traits that could be considered narcissistic! Surely I am not the only one?? Please, I don’t want to be the only one…
You do still love me right?? You will still continue to love me yeah? Please don’t go… We can work it out… surely??? You will come back and read more won't you?
Bollocks to ya then, I don’t care, I don’t need you… I am amazing!! So deal with it!!


No comments:

Post a Comment