Friday, 8 May 2015

My Two Scents Worth

This week I treated myself to some new aftershave. I did this for two reasons. Firstly I had run out of everyday aftershave. Secondly (and more importantly) it was on a Groupon offer and only half price! And even though I had never smelled it, it was too good a bargain to turn down.

The scent in question was Vera Wang for Men – I know right! Vera Wang… for men!! Who knew! So this was a risk, but one worth taking. If it’s terrible then I can always use it for lighter fluid!

The fun part of this was the description: Vera Wang For Men is a sophisticated men's fragrance from the world renowned designer and is masculine, urbane and appealing. A distinguished modern fragrance created expressly for today's cosmopolitan man.

The Mrs asked why I had bought this as I was neither sophisticated, masculine, appealing, distinguished nor cosmopolitan (and fuck knows what urbane means)!! She had a point.

It got me thinking about other fragrances and the descriptions manufacturers use to appeal to a certain audience… versus the more honest descriptions.

The ‘manly’ pink bottle for the post pubescent teenager! Smell like every other gawky kid in the pub full of underage drinkers and first time smokers. Be one of the cool kids, never stand out and make sure you splash enough on to intoxicate the ladies… literally drown them in your scent!! #virgin

CK One
Are you ripped? Six pack? Pectoral muscles? Do you look good in Y fronts? Then CK One is the aftershave for you… If you fancy yourself, but do not want to over indulge in truly expensive scents, then CK One is the one for you. If you can get its tiny screw cap off then splash this bad boy on… But in reality, over weight, vest wearing, skiddy white CK boxer loving dudes prefer it too! #budgiesmugglers

Beckham Original
Want an expensive looking bottle? But don’t want to pay over £10? Then the Beckham inspired scent is ideal for you. Take it to the footy, take into the changing rooms, take it anywhere… As soon as you spray you will be able to do 500 kick ups in flip flops… A scent for the wannabe footballer, who, even at 37, still thinks they have a shot at the big time! #pastit

See Also:  The James Bond aftershave (WTF!!)… aspiring secrets agents only!)

Hugo Boss Bottled
The 30 something’s version of Joop! The scent that is more grown up, but still common as muck. Smell like every bloke in his 30s in the same pub with the underage drinkers smelling of Joop. For the guy with a history of broken relationships and worn down by a lifetime of kids, find your youth again with Hugo Boss! It’s expensive too, so won’t make you seem cheap! #midlifecrisis

Christian Dior Fahrenheit
For the man in his late 40s/early 50s who is now settled and is told by the woman in his life that this is a great smell. In reality you’ll smell like a sports sock full of talcum powder, well used, worn in, but comfortable. A comfortable scent for the man who doesn’t need to impress anymore. You are a settled man, so smell like a settled man. #slippersandpipe

Diesel Only The Brave
For the guy who thinks he’s hard as fuck. The bottle is shaped like a fist so it looks hard. Diesel is hard, full stop, harder than petrol for sure. Would you mess with Vin Diesel? No. He’s hard! So smell hard, act hard and walk around with imaginary carpets under your arms. Wear tight Diesel shirts. ‘Cos it’s hard! Wear the ideal hard fragrance to go with the hard as nails scowl on your grizzled hard face. #rockhard

Viktor & Rolf Spice Bomb
For the man who is stupidly rich and can afford to buy a scent that only lasts ten minutes. Who cares though! Splash more of that £100 grenade shaped bottle of richness all over, several times an hour, bathe in it in fact because you can afford more. You are richer than him. So wear wealth!! #richerthanyou

Jean Paul Gaultier
Because it’s the first step to coming out of the closet… And the bottle is right fancy! #hellosailors

Paco Rabanne 1 Million
For the gangster in you. Hang on street corners, drink the strong stuff from a brown paper bag, smoke a joint. Wear the ultimate fragrance that says this is my ‘hood. Containing strong notes of gun residue, weed and cheap hookers. Feel one million dolla… mutha fucka’s! #gangSTAR

There’s so much choice out there…

What do I want to go for?

What do I want to project to people?

What is my budget???

Ah fuck it, I think I’ll just stick with my Lynx Africa actually…