Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Life's a Beach...

I do not really like beaches. Actually it’s more a dislike for the sand. I can’t relax on beaches and I tend to find bits of ‘beach’ up my arse crack for the next few weeks after a visit. I mean beaches are nice to look at, nice in pictures, fantasy places – but then the actual experience for me isn’t enjoyable and you can guarantee just under the surface of that silky sand is a turd that was buried by a family after their youngest was caught short. And you can guarantee that I will be the one that stands in it!
In that respect a beach is like a woman. Lovely to look at, can be a fantasy figure, but underneath the surface lies something unexpected!

Now I am not a misogynist by any stretch of the imagination, but I imagine a bloke can go through life never fully understanding a woman at all – even if you have lived with them all that time. Yes you get to know their likes, lilies instead of roses for example. You get to know their dislikes, the disdain some hold for Crocs footwear (although they have a point, not the shoe, the woman!). You also get to live with their bad habits like the fact they pick their fingers until they are sore and then complain about the state of them. However, you never get to actually understand them.

So that means the phrase that most haunts me is "You don’t understand me!"

No, sorry love, I don’t, you are dead right… Not even if there were some kind of Haynes instruction manual for women and I knew it off by heart would I still not understand what you mean or where you are coming from!

Now as a bloke I am quite simple – there is nothing too technical about me or any other normal bloke. If the toilet seat is down, I lift it up, not a problem, but for a woman putting the toilet seat down seems to be a trauma that leads to a sarcastic comment later!

And if a bloke lives by himself he can put his keys down in a safe place and they will still be there the next hour or morning in the exact same spot he left them in. Perfect.

Now imagine that same scenario when you live with a woman. You come in; put your keys down in the same spot you usually do and go about your business. Then, when you return to the spot where you left your keys, suddenly they’re not there, cue a frantic search.

Man:
"Have you seen my keys hun?" (Notice the nice tone to start with).
Woman:
"They are wherever YOU left them…" (Notice the agitation in her tone already?!?)
Man:
"I left them right here on the side"
Woman:
"You can’t have done, otherwise they would still be there!"
Man:
"Have you moved them?"
Woman:
"I knew I would get the blame eventually!" (Even tough it is merely a question, they translate that as blame).

Eventually, after heated words and a shouting match, you find your keys in a side draw…

Woman:
"Oh yes, I did put them there actually, they were making the side look untidy! You really should learn to be tidier!!" (Notice the lack of an apology?!?)

Now this would be fine if the woman in the relationship was as forgetful about all things like that. I mean she moved the keys only an hour beforehand but forgot. The issue with women though is that they remember what they want to remember and as a result never let you forget. Women are like an elephant when they want to be and a goldfish when it suits!

Say you have forgotten an anniversary for instance – which is a big thing if it’s a wedding anniversary, but women like to remember the anniversary of the first time you met, or kissed, or went for a meal. But whoa betide you if you’ve forgotten and it isn’t etched on your memory as it shows that you don’t care anymore!

Or they remember incidents that in their head are for worse than the actual reality.

Woman:
"Remember that time you said I had put on weight??"
Man:
"Nope…."
Woman:
"Yes you do remember, it was around 5.15pm on Wednesday the 13th June 2007, you lying bastard!!"
Man:
"It’s November 2012 woman!!"

If I say something that can be interpreted two ways – one that makes you happy and one that makes you sad or pissed off – then please take what I said the first way, not the bad way!! Women always assume the worst, they are very rarely positive in that situation.

The main problem with women is that they are always right – or they would have you believe that they are. And no matter what, you have to accept that in the long term in order to have a harmonious life. It’s a case of their way or no way! My brother is a prime example of that, but I dare not bring my sister in law into this – I like the use of my legs!

For example it is ok for a woman to be sexist. If I say "women can’t drive" then I am a male chauvinist pig. However they can say whatever they want about the male population. I mean how many times have you heard a woman say "That’s because, unlike women, men cannot multi task!"?

They can slate a man because apparently he has an inability to do two things at once. Well ladies, I have news for you. There are two reasons why a bloke doesn’t do more than one task at any one time. The first reason is that if you’re going to do a job then do it properly, not half arsed because you are concentrating on something else. Secondly, if a bloke takes his time doing a number of tasks then the woman in his life will eventually get fed up and start doing the tasks herself anyway as she’s sick of waiting!

Why does everything have to be done right now, in this very moment, for a woman??

Men don’t rush, women do. That’s why the best chef’s are blokes. They take their time to make a masterpiece.

And yet for all a woman’s bluntness, they can be deceivingly deceptive, secretive, devious and far more hard faced. You see that from a young age in fact.

I’ve always had this issue with how kids of both sexes are perceived in the modern world. For instance, little boys growing up have it drilled into them that they are the naughty ones. They are bought t-shirts with ‘Cheeky Monkey’ on, or ‘Bad to the Bone’ and ‘Son of the Devil’ etc. Whereas little girls are brought up believing they are sweet and innocent with t-shirts that exclaim they are princesses or little angels…

Because of this, lads grow up and act like little monkeys etc. as they believe that and play up to it. And the girls grow up having to put on this act of being little angels. So this leads to the boys fighting in the open with other boys. And generally once the fight is over with they walk away and it’s done, but everyone has seen it and so they are labelled wrong ‘uns – as their t-shirts suggest.

A girl, however, plays the long game. There’s no fighting and having done with it. Generally it’s mental warfare and women are good at it at all ages, it is programmed into them from a young age. They are nice to your face, all smiles and curls, but then have an ace up their sleeves ready to use at any given point.

And these little, innocent girls grow up to be fully armed women that us unsuspecting blokes fall for. And when you least expect it, out of no where the tirade is launched and the WMDs (and not the nice ones either!!) are launched after months, maybe even years of stewing on things.

It’s no wonder they say marriage changes you. It isn’t the marriage as such, it’s the woman. At the church she sees the aisle she is about to walk down, she then see’s the altar at the front and then glances upon the husband to be. And that sticks in her mind all the way through the ceremony: AISLE ALTAR HIM!

You also have to remember that women are private people, apparently, they won’t discuss their weight with you for example, but then just go on Facebook, in fact do it after reading this, and just see how many women have put on Facebook about losing 2lbs at Slimming World that week, or that they need to diet or can’t fit into their size 10 dress… They are quite clearly only private when it suits!

And speaking of dress sizes, they can go shopping (for hours by the way and sometimes buy nothing or buy loads and hide it in the boot of the car or the back of a wardrobe!!) find a lovely dress in one shop that is beautiful and makes them look amazing and is under £50, but then go into another shop and see a dress that is no where near as nice, is twice as much but is a size 10 compared to the size 12 that was in the other shop! They will buy it because walking in between shops has meant they have dropped a dress size and so this means they are happy even if they do look like a bag of spanners.

Not that you can ever tell them that!! Jesus, it isn’t worth your life! Again it is one rule for them and another for you. If you tell them that they look hideous they do not talk to you for hours, sometimes days, but if you grow a moustache and she doesn’t like it then she will tell you!

"Please shave that hairy worm off your top lip as you look a complete twat!"

Don’t beat around the bush love; tell me what you really think eh!

I know a lass that has two sets of weighing scales. One is slightly out, reads lower than the other, so if she needs a pick-me-up she will get on the lower ones and be happy that she has lost 3lbs!! It is all psychological to women…

Everything is mental about a woman from the way they play mind games with you, to what they see in a mirror, to how they act irrationally without warning! In fact women should come with a warning sign on them!

WARNING: This woman could seriously damage your health!

I am going to have to now go into hiding as no doubt I will have offended one, some or all women and they will be blood thirsty, coming at me with pitch forks and burning effigies.

Women eh! You can’t live with them, you can’t kill them… And I should know, I have tried, they are invincible, granted some even have super human powers that also include the ability to read minds ("I know what you’re thinking!").

As the phrase goes life’s a beach… and then you go and marry one!

Disclaimer: No women were harmed in the making of this blog. Actually, I kind of like them as a general rule of thumb
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