Thursday, 22 November 2012

Top of the Nots!!

I wonder how people get off on hentai? For those not in the know hentai is Japanese style animation of a pornographic nature. So why would people jack off to cartoon porn I wonder? I don’t think about this too long of course, but it is a head scratcher. Who really wants to see Homer Simpson get it on with Marge?

All my blogs are usually about some random irritation of mine that I go on and on about. Y’know the things that seem so little and insignificant to others, but to me they make my fists clench, teeth grit and get my back up. So this week I’m going to list some of those little irritations of mine, my current top 11 (just to be different) in no particular order:

1 - People crossing the road
I do not mind people crossing the road, its how they get about. People have the right to walk; they were created with that ability in most cases. To aid this, in the UK and throughout the world, crossings have been created. Whether these crossings are pelican or zebra they are there to help people cross the road safely. So if this is the case why do people insist on trying to cross a busy road 10 yards from a crossing? They dive through traffic or quickly scamper at the sign of a gap, putting their lives and lives of others at risk. Why not just walk those extra few steps and cross where you’re meant to cross???

2 - Socks
I have two children who see fit to take all their clothes off when they come in the house. Why? I do not know. This isn’t a massive problem (unless Jimmy Saville is coming round for tea – is it too early for that joke??). They usually just pile their clothes up somewhere in the room, but what irritates me are the socks. They may take one off and leave it somewhere random in the house and leave the other one on. Or they take one sock off somewhere in the house and then the other off in a completely unrelated area! These socks then go in the wash and you have single socks in drawers for ages because the other one hasn’t been discovered yet!

3 - Glitter
Glitter is pretty, shiny, sparkly, but boy is it a nuisance. You pick a card up in the shop, one with a loving verse in and a teddy holding a balloon on the front. That balloon is filled in with glitter. You put the card back and look at others. However a bit of that first card always stays with you as glitter just gets everywhere and sticks to you! You find it in your boxers, in your hair, on your cheek, between your cheeks, everywhere. And it stays with you for days no matter how many times you shower!

4 - Reality TV
I am sick of reality TV now. I have had enough of it. It basically makes stupid people famous and wealthy and cocky – or in some cases cockier. People lap it up and endorse it! So much so that they use phrases made famous by these shows on a daily basis that become part of the English language. That is wrong! On so many levels… It is lazy TV for a start and people are giving these reality TV stars a voice and an opinion that they shouldn’t be allowed and they certainly shouldn’t be influencing the English language!

5 - Coffee
Again it isn’t coffee that actually bugs me; it is the pretentious coffee that pretentious people think is cool to drink! Take an espresso for instance, a single shot of strong coffee. What is the point? Why would people pay a couple of quid to sit there looking like a twat with a thimble of coffee, their legs crossed, in their sharp suits thinking they are the lords of the dance! What does this achieve apart from meaning Starbucks gets to open yet another coffee shop in your high street! I also have an issue with fruit teas which are becoming more common – what’s wrong with a normal cup of tea???


6 - Tapping
People who tap, whether it is to a rhythm or just random taps. People who do not realise they are doing it either, they just tap for the sake of it. They tap whatever is nearest to them, usually the desk or table, but it can be on their mobile or on a box with their foot. It increases until someone erupts – usually me! There is also the other kind of tapping, in order to get attention. I can be sat or stood next to my mate who is already talking to me, but if he changes subject or has a point he’ll tap me on the shoulder! He already has my attention!! Why on earth is he tapping me on the shoulder too!?!?! I have an example for both these kinds of tapping and if they read this they will know who they are!

7 - Vegetarians
Not all vegetarians though, but just those ones who despise meat and the taste and sometimes the smell but then will go buy vegetarian food that replicates the taste, texture and smell of real meat! If you do not like meat then stick to eating leaves! That is your choice in life, so do not then crave something that tastes like meat – what is the point of making that stance? Some will say that Quorn sausages do not murder animals, but those same animals will still be slaughtered for the rest of the masses regardless of whether you decide to eat a synthetic sausage or not!!

8 - Food snobs
What is wrong with a shepherd’s pie or a sausage casserole? I like my fish and chips and my curries. I am partial to a burger and even have a kebab on a regular basis. Some people think that is beneath them. "Oh you don’t know what they put in that stuff". I do not care; if it tastes good then I am eating it. "But kebabs look so disgusting". I want to eat it, not fuck it, so it doesn’t matter what it looks like as long as it tastes good! These same people eat goja berries, cous cous and humous with the in crowd, because it’s cool! These are usually the same people that order espressos in coffee shops!!

9 - Social Networking
I use social networking, but I use it for pictures, usually silly pictures, or jokey updates or for generally taking the piss out of someone. I even use it to find out the latest news and happenings in the world. Some people go too far though – they are addicted. Those people that fall over and break their ankle, instead of grabbing the phone and calling an ambulance, they use their phone to update their status first!! "Have just fallen over and broken my ankle in several places; I am currently bleeding out on the street, lol". The other strain of people is those that think I am interested in every waking minute of their lives and the lives of their children. "Young Timmy just smiled at me today". I don’t care, but please do tell me more… "Young Timmy is watching TV whilst I iron". Thank you for that information, can you do mine whilst you’re at it??? They then stick a picture of young Timmy smiling into the camera – and then a similar picture, just different outfit the next day and the next and the next. If I was that bothered about your children I would come round and visit them personally, but I’m not so I won’t!

10 - Sky+
Sky+, the recording service, is brilliant. I would now be lost without it. So this gripe isn’t about Sky+ as such, but just what people choose to record on it and how it makes me feel. For example we’ll use a housemate. A housemate who likes two sports, Formula 1 and darts. Two sports which go on for hours in a very repetitive manner. So when that person is out and they decide to Sky+ 4 day’s worth of darts that takes up so much of the planner space, it truly gripes. They then want to Sky+ the F1 qualifying – where they are not even racing each other on the track!!! It grates! But because I have become so reliant on Sky+ it causes great anxiety when the amount of space left is below 30%! This is designed to help me in everyday life catch up and watch TV that I may miss, but instead it causes palpitations and stress that I am running out of space!! This can’t be good for my health!

11 - 50 Shades of Grey
Surely this is porn for women? If a bloke watches porn they are disgusting animals, but if a woman reads porn then that’s fine! Apparently, and a woman once told me this, It’s all about your own personal imagination to a woman, whereas men need visuals to be stimulated. Not strictly true, physical works for me also! You also get women telling you that I shouldn’t have an opinion as I haven’t read it – I don’t need to though as that many people put excerpts online it was ridiculous and I felt like Id read the book 4 times! It went mental for a few months, best seller this, best seller that, everyone wanting their own copy (no one wants to thumb through a second hand copy now do they!!). Its like beer flavoured nipples to a man, everyone is looking/wanting their own Mr. Grey… I have news for you though, it was all fictional!!

All these little things are so insignificant in everyday lives and are generally pathetic, I agree, I shouldn’t get so wound up by these things. I mean there are many, many more I could add, but for now I think 11 is enough. Some you might agree with, some you may think I am being irrational about, but we all have little annoyances that get to us. I am sure I have bad habits; in fact I know I do, but I don’t care about my habits!

You should let me know what you think – I may agree with your annoyances or I may think you’re stupid. Anyway, gotta go, I have some darts to delete off my TV planner and a kebab that won’t fuck itself…