Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Life's a Game; So Let's Go Play!!

I have spoken about the battle of the sexes before and from my point a view there are plenty of reasons why men are better. The fact men make better drivers, chefs, designers, leaders and sports people generally is a given, however, the best thing about being a man is the natural born ability to make gun noises.

Whether it be a hand held gun, a machine gun or a hand grenade… Go on try it now, you know you want to... Men have the full range of artillery at their verbal disposal. Now if you are unfortunate enough to be a woman, you can’t do this. Women make the noise "pee-ow" when attempting a gun noise. It’s the same no matter what weapon they’re imitating. Now I know you’re thinking why would this be useful and when would I need to make a gun noise. The truth is you don’t need it and I doubt you would ever want to, but please ladies, do not envy the men of the world for this great feat.

Now the gun noise isn’t useful, granted, but blokes like to play games. In any walk of life or situation, as a bloke I want to have some kind of fun. The fact we are equipped with certain appendages to create games helps a lot!

When out and about, maybe a night out more specifically, women go to the loo en masse. They take 20 minutes as they sit in cubicles side by side, or sometimes in the same cubicle, and chat and gossip. They just de-keg in front of each other and go about their business regardless of whether their sister, mother or friend is stood or sat by the side of them. In fact I’ve been told some clubs nowadays have two toilets in cubicles just for this purpose! Blokes are a different kettle of fish though…

For a start, it’s an absolute no no to be holding your tackle and relieving yourself after a few pints, whilst talking to the man, looking him in the eye, who happens to be stood next to you. If you must talk whilst urinating you look firmly forward or up at the ceiling. And when you do communicate it must be single syllable words or a grunt. This is no place for deep conversations; the toilet is not a meet and greet for blokes!!!

So during those long streams a bloke is likely to get bored and so must entertain himself! Only himself! And thus he creates many a ‘Game of Thrones’ or ‘The Trough Games’. The ‘trough’ being a urinal, usually spanning the length of the wall.
In the old days when you could smoke in pubs and clubs a bloke would try score a ‘goal’ with a soaked butt end by directing his stream of urine directly at the butt and forcing it up or down the trough into the goal, in this case the drain or sewage hole! You can also do this with those soap cubes that are put in troughs…

If the bar/pub you are in uses ice in the troughs then the challenge becomes to see how much of the ice you can melt in a single session. These are generally games you can play to yourself with other blokes around not knowing what you’re up to, but usually they’re playing the same thing too.

If you are lucky enough to be alone in the toilet then there are two further games a bloke has the advantage of playing to entertain himself. The first is whilst you urinate, slowly walk backwards and see how far you can get before you start missing the trough! The second is to see how high up the wall you can urinate. Can you hit the ceiling in fact?!?!? Granted these aren’t the most hygienic games and it is mightily embarrassing should someone walk in, especially during the walk backwards routine.

At this point women will read this in disgust and blokes will either smile to themselves or try it next time they have the opportunity.

Obviously do not try these games at your own house, parent’s house or worst still at the in-laws house… unless you don’t like them of course!

I don’t think I have any games when actually sat down, well apart from fishing my testicles out of the water due to my age and the fact they are getting lower and lower with each passing year.

Take a moment though and just look around; life is full of little games to play.

I like trying to convince people that I have a cup of tea. In films and TV series the actor carries a mug or a carton and you can just tell it’s empty by the way they hold it (it’s the same with suitcases! No one ever struggles with a suitcase in films and TV!!). I used to gingerly walk into a room after making my Mum a cup of tea and as I got nearer pretend to trip and spill the hot contents on my Mum’s lap. She would blindly panic and let out a short, sharp scream in anticipation of been scolded. That’s when I knew my acting must be better than those on TV as I had convinced my Mum I had a cup full as I made my way across the room. Ahhh, the joviality of it all…

Petrol stations are another good source of small games to while the time away. These games can be subconscious though and can lead to much frustration. I bet everyone tries to stop the price of the petrol being pumped at a bang on number! I shall just put £10 in this afternoon…

£9.22… £9.49… £9.74… £9.97… £9.99… £10.01 – SHIT!!! Right, £11 then… And so on until you have spent more than you needed to or wanted to (you can’t get that mars bar now!) but you are satisfied you had hit a rounded figure.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much when I pay on card more often than not nowadays!

When I was a kid, me and my brother used to play "Landy Slap My Handy" on long car journeys. Basically it was similar to Mini-Punch but less violent. When you spotted a Land Rover you would shout "Landy Slap My Handy" – when the Land Rover was confirmed you got yourself a point and a hi-five. The other game we would play is thumb wars! "One, two, three, four lets begin the thumb war!" the cry would go and then hands locked in an embrace would go to battle to try and pin the oppositions thumb down. The problem with these games on a long car journey though is it usually led to outbursts of "cheat!" and then the inevitable fisty cuffs!

In a morning, when I’m getting ready for work, I turn the shower on and try putting my contact lenses in before the mirror steams up and I can no longer see what I’m doing! Silly stuff like that just keeps me amused and at the peak of my physical and mental fitness… That might not be accurate!

I am sure I play many more games in every day life without realising, and I’m sure there are many more games to invent in the future. Maybe other people also play games of a different kind; maybe others are just not competitive at all, even with themselves. For now though I shall leave it there, a shorter blog this week for a change (should please some of my readers that!). I will go and attempt to beat my personal best of 3 metres 21cm on the backwards trough game now…

Just remember though folks, as the song goes, life is the name of the game and I wanna play the game with you!! Well, maybe not the trough games though…