Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Let's not 'spork' about it...

As I sat at work the other day the topic of rogue hairs came up. Bear in mind I work with a bunch of females, so this conversation got quite interesting, but at the same time disturbing! I was asked how hairy I was. I responded by stripping down to my boxers and showing them all personally – we are a close knit team after all. It came to light that my arm pits look like I have two small men in a headlock… How unfortunate!

It was a good job I had put clean boxers on that day. It could have been much more embarrassing.
With regards to fashion and grooming I think I am a Neanderthal. I don’t get today’s fashion or fads. I am only 31 years old, but sometimes I feel (and look) much older… but not wiser.

Face creams are a bug bear of mine. Women swear by them. They reckon they take years off them and so pay £50 for a small tube that’s clearly made by some geek at a factory down south and not actually sourced from the fountain of eternal youth like they would have you believe. Oh how the pharmaceutical companies rub their hands together with glee.

What I want to know is how do they know it works? Either you use it or you don’t. So those that use it, how do they know they are looking younger than if they didn’t use it?! The only way I can see this being proved is if a woman volunteers to put cream on only half her face – then after a year see if one side looks younger than the other.

Naturally, being a woman, they have a counter argument and start chanting all these random vitamin numbers and scientific nonsense at you. Y’know all that stuff that they’ve had drilled into them through various magazines and adverts. They don’t know what they’re saying, but they know if it has numbers and letters and Jennifer Aniston uses it then it must be fact!

Waiting for a woman to take the day cream off and put the night cream on before jumping into bed is also a real passion killer let me tell ya! Another reason to hate creams!

Also can someone please tell me why the ‘yoof’ of today wear their jeans round the bottom of their arse? I mean each to their own, granted, but why do you want to parade your Asda George boxers to the world? I also do not see how it is logistically possible! I mean how do those jeans balance there in the first place? Is there some secret, invisible force holding them up? Is it like ‘tit tape’ but for men? A kind of 'ar-sellotape' maybe?

Men’s fashion is god damn awful with toms/deck shoes, low riders and skinny jeans, but then there is women’s fashion. Granted I am no expert on women, that is evidently clear by the fact I cannot keep a woman happy for longer than a month, but I still don’t get it.

Women’s fashion is like Hollywood movies. They have run out of ideas so they re-hash an old film, combine it with elements of another film and call it a blockbuster hoping to con the audience into shelling out a tenner at the cinema to watch something that was done better 20 years ago with less money!!

My first example of this is ‘Skorts’. This is apparently shorts and a skirt combined. By combining two previous items of clothing you can make something new and charge more for it. Who needs to buy separate shorts and a skirt when you can buy an all in one!

Do ‘skorts’ have pockets? And if so are they in the short bit or the skirt bit?

And apparently a ‘shrug’ is no longer a movement you make with your shoulders when you are unsure of something, but more a half finished cardigan!!!

Then there are’ jeggings’!! Some kind of hybrid of leggings and jeans! Who on earth decided this would be a good idea? Surely jeans that are tight on you are just skinny jeans? And if they are made out of stretchy material then they are leggings? They can’t be both can they?!

And I have seen the kind of people that wear these things. They should never have been invented for that reason. There is nothing worse than walking out of a shop and seeing a woman wearing ‘jeggings’, but looking like she’s smuggling a bag of puppies down the high street!

I once bought a t-shirt that had some kind of scarf attached to it. I thought I looked the mutt’s nuts, but it turned out I looked like some kind of Gok-Wan tribute act – suffice to say I was told this and I never wore said t-shirt again. So I’m thinking, for the benefit of the public, I should set up an honesty booth and let people know when they look less Jessica Biel and more Ian Beale!

I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it offends my eyes sometimes. I think it’s more the words though… Nah, scrap that, it is definitely the people tucking themselves into a pair of leggings too small for them that gets to me. However, the words do annoy me as well. And it isn’t just in the fashion world.

Take a blanket. Pay a few quid for said blanket. Put said blanket over your body when cold on an evening and watch TV. Take said blanket and add sleeves to it so that you can reach the remote control, because you are far too lazy to lift said blanket. Now add some pockets to put the remote in, because it is too far to reach through your sleeves in the first place.

Now re-name said blanket. I don’t know, what shall we call it…? Hmmm… A blanket with sleeves. A blanket. With sleeves… A slanket!!! WOW! See what they did there? Now let’s charge £15-£20 for this slanket as it’s new, it’s unique and it will save you around 1.3 seconds when reaching for the remote whilst keeping your hand at the same temperature as the rest of your body!

And it doesn’t end there either. Let’s take two things again that have been invented and combine them. Let’s take a fork and a spoon. Let’s have a spoon with some prongs and we’ll call it a ‘spork’. Can you imagine in 50 years time, the year 2072, watching the Antiques Road Show and someone is standing in the line with their 19th century silver plated dining set consisting of 12 forks, 12 knives and 11 spoons (there’s always one missing as it was used for a child’s pack lunch and never came home!), then there is a gentleman behind with a vintage 1990’s original Marks & Spencer’s ‘spork’
Someone out there is responsible for these annoying words too. Some clever dick with a degree under his arm that can combine two words to make another word. Or equally some total idiot that doesn’t know their left from their right and so feels the need to make a language up.

There are three kinds of people when it comes to language I find. There are people like me that will use simple effective language. A kind of layman’s terms language. Words that are not overly complicated, overly long and are easily understood by anyone, well almost everyone. Why say in 50 words what you can say in 5. This kind of person is therefore the ‘layman’.

Then there are those that think of themselves as a higher intelligence, and so use big long words in big long sentences. This is designed to dumbfound the person they’re talking to and also show you that they are the superior being with their huge intellect and fancy word play. The alpha-male of the language world. Or so they would have you think. I will call these the ‘alpha-words’

The Alpha Word:
"I have come to the conclusion that after this overly elaborate confabulation that you are indeed a beastly fornicator who defecates where he resides and is quite frankly full of faeces. I, therefore, do not wish to be in contiguous to your personage and wish for you to procreate elsewhere".

Me (The Layman):
"Yes mate, I don’t like you either and so you can go f*** yourself too".

Finally there is the generation that, much like those that create ‘jeggings’ and ‘sporks’, think up new words or just abbreviate the spoken word.

Side note, why is abbreviate such a long word?!

Anyway, these people are influenced by mind numbing, spirit crushing shows like ‘Jersey Shore’ and ‘The Only Way is Essex’ and other such reality programmes. These programmes actually make you dumber as a result of watching. Programmes that make stupid people famous that already think they are great human beings, when in the real ‘reality’ they would all be washing cars or signing on if they hadn’t had their ‘god given talent’ paraded on screen.

That talent is making the rest of us feel like Einstein and creating phrases like ‘totes amaze’ and ‘well jel’ that are now being used in everyday life.

When someone tells me that something I have done is ‘totes amaze’ I want to hurt them. Even if I like them I still want to punish them for destroying the English language. Don’t get me wrong, I use a lot of slang, but when it comes to these new phrases, there is no place for them. Does it really take that much longer to say totally amazing? In fact it would take longer to say to explain what you originally meant in the first place!

These people even LOL (laugh out loud)! I mean they actually say ‘LOL’ out loud when something tickles them – they can’t even be arsed laughing or smirking to let you know they have found something funny! It is like their face is too lazy to show the humour.

I could blame text messaging, but there is a place in the world for that – historically people used abbreviations or acronyms to save space for the 160 characters per text you used to get and that has just followed on over the years. It was even used before that in those lonely hearts ads – "SWM WLTM woman, 18-65 with GSOH". I use acronyms like ‘btw’ (by the way) and ‘tbh’ (to be honest) all the time. I have no problem with that – but to abbreviate and use acronyms for the spoken word is just plain stupid.

Essex has a lot to answer for!

Anyway, this is not helping me get my new invention off the ground is it?

I have created an egg plant that you can write with – I am calling it the biro-bergine! I mean how totes amaze does that sound??


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