Wednesday, 12 September 2012

One Jew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!

I ponder. That’s what I do. I ponder why people bless children’s little cotton socks. I ponder what the man who first milked a cow was thinking. I ponder why that man added what was produced to his brew! I ponder what reformed turkey is (they sell it in Subway) and how did that turkey better itself to be given the right to be called reformed.

I have often pondered if I am a good mate, or just a bully…? When I say bully I don’t mean it to sound like I am some vicious thug of course. I just mean I laugh at others when really I shouldn’t… Like Cheltenham fans!

However, I do have a mate, I have two in fact! But one particular mate comes in for a lot of ridicule and stick.

You see there are three amigos, as we call ourselves. One lad is my age and I have known him 28 years. I know far too much about him, have seen far too much of him and there really is nothing left to take the mick out of anymore… hold that thought, that ain’t true, but I shall save that for another blog in the future.

The second lad is 6 years younger. Some people are under the impression that I hang out with younger blokes so that they look up to me… This isn’t true – instead it is so I can influence and pass on my cynical view of the world to the next generation!

This lad started playing footy with us around 6 years ago and at first he was very quiet. He has wiry brown (ginger really!!), curly hair… To help him settle in 6 years ago I instantly nicknamed him Jew Boy and it has kind of stuck, well me and amigo number 1 have MADE it stick. Please note he has no religious connotations at all, but I stereotyped. And stereotyped badly if I am honest, but it’s stuck and so we roll with it.

Now Jew Boy comes in for a lot of mickey taking. In fact a lot is an understatement! He is generally the butt of our jokes, but he takes it on the chin, in fact he joins in! I mean a lad with curly ginger hair, pale complexion and a head shaped like a boiled egg is going to have the mick taken out of him. It’s nature’s law…

Let me point out at this moment in time that he is a good mate of mine, so I am allowed to take the mick. Much in the same way you can let off steam/whinge about your partner, but if anyone else calls them names you will kick off! I am not saying he is my partner either; I have no sexual desire towards him at all.

And I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being gay either, it just isn’t for me. Although some think it may be what I am destined for due to my dancing prowess! AND 10 years ago I started seeing an older woman and daren’t tell my Dad, so pretended that I was staying at a mate’s house every time I went to see her. Eventually I took my Dad to the pub and said I had something to tell him. I was going to finally admit to my relationship with an older woman… He put his hand on my shoulder and said "I know son, I know… you are gay and I am ok with that…" Hmmmm… he was actually a little disappointed when I told him that wasn’t what I was going to say. I think he even had a bet on with his mate!

Anyway, back to Jew Boy… It isn’t his looks that make it easy to take the mick, although it helps. It seems to be the situations he gets into. An example of one such situation is the night he got hiccups. A few pints and a curry, eaten rather hurriedly, gave him the hiccups.

I had heard of an old wives tale that if you sit upside down and close your ears and your nostrils using your fingers and then someone gives you a drink they will be cured! And it works you know… Try it next time. Hang upside off a chair, use your first fingers on each hand to push your nostrils together and stretch your thumbs to close your ears, and then get a mate, whilst you’re still upside down, to give you a drink and chug away… hey presto no hiccups…

One of the vital parts of this process is the mate giving you a drink. You can’t use both hands to close up various orifices as well as take a drink whilst hanging upside down! However Jew Boy tried to do it by himself whilst I was busy doing something (I think it may have been a late night of playing Pro Evo!).

I heard choking, some gargling, some profanity (as spillage had occurred) and then nothing… I slowly turned round to see if Jew Boy was dead (at half time of my game naturally) and was greeted by the sound of snoring. Somehow he had managed to fall asleep upside down; his head like a big red egg where the blood had rushed to it… but cure his hiccups he had!! I naturally filmed this of course, as he was in such a deep sleep I could have tea bagged him… I didn’t, but was tempted!

I also once filmed him dancing to Michael Jackson’s Experience on the Xbox. I then sped it up, changed the track and posted on YouTube for the world to see… I say the world, but so far only 50 people have viewed it – not quite viral just yet!

I’ve also issued his girlfriend with a questionnaire about his performance and physical shape. This, bear in mind, was the first time I had met her… in fact it was the morning after the first time he had met her!!! But they are now properly dating at least, so it didn’t scare her off. Not that I have seen her since and this is some months ago now.

Jew Boy dating!! That’s another story altogether… I mean this guy states he has no confidence with women then gets his tips from watching old "Confessions of…" films. He was a gardener for a while, he was skint all the time, but that was because he took payment in kind! We use the term gardener loosely because if you ever saw his garden you would be surprised… Welcome to the jungle!!!

So am I a bully? On the evidence above it seems I am, but look at it on the other hand, I am slowly making Jew Boy famous! AND may I point out that I have gotten into many a scrape and situation and equally the other two amigos have ripped into me – so it can be given out and taken in equal measure.

In fact I have probably gotten into worse scrapes than both of the other amigos put together, but I have the one big advantage when it comes to mickey taking…

… I do not look hard boiled…

P.S. Lets get those 50 odd views up… to see Jew Boy dancing, click here:
http://youtu.be/GXCTFr71Glo